Say It Anyway: Difficult Conversations Made Easier

Don’t Choose To Be a Turtle

By Dr. Seema Desai 

We’ve all been there as leaders — whether with our kids, our spouse, clients, or co-workers. Maybe in a social organization like the PTA or a neighborhood book club. Someone said or did something that requires correction or attention, and now…we have to have difficult conversations.

It’s enough to make us dive for the covers, or maybe just sweep it under the rug, cross our fingers, and hope the issue goes away. Unfortunately, that’s not how it works. Very rarely do things fall off without some sort of repercussion down the line.

Or maybe you’re completely comfortable having those conversations, but there’s never any real resolution, leaving you feeling like you’re constantly having to micromanage and clean up messes others made.

The 4 Myths that Block Us from Having a “Difficult” Conversation

What I’ve found is that the reason we avoid these difficult conversations or don’t feel like they’re effective is that we lack planning and direction.

That’s something we can easily solve with just a little tweak and a new tool.

Here are the most common misconceptions about how to have difficult conversations that require intervention:

• • They have to be had immediately.

• • They’re always a struggle that don’t often end positively.

• • The conversation starts when someone begins talking.

• • They have to take a lot of time and energy.

Now, some conversations are absolute doozies, and the above applies — somewhat. But that doesn’t mean we can’t make even the most difficult conversations a little bit easier. Let’s start by de-bunking these myths with a little reframe and insight.

Myth #1: Corrective Conversations Need to Be Had Immediately

It’s uncomfortable to sit with the discomfort of a situation. When an issue comes to light, it’s completely natural to want to quickly squash it, especially if you’re in the throes of high emotions like blame, anger, or embarrassment. If you’re a stickler for perfection, it may feel like you absolutely have to point out what’s not right, whether that’s a typo in an email, a child forgetting to flush the toilet for the hundredth time, or putting your foot in your mouth.

In the moment, the situation can feel urgent — but it may not be.

Before having the conversation, validate the need first. It may not be as big of a deal as you think it is. It may be a one-time thing that’s self-limiting and self-resolving. I remember one time my older child did something that really got under my skin. I took a photo of the “offense” with full intentions to talk to him after he got home. But the fact that he wasn’t there gave me the space to pause. By the time he walked through the door, I realized that the “transgression” wasn’t a result of him being careless or not listening. He was legitimately pulled away from completing the task — and I had conveniently forgotten that detail in the moment.

The key is not being reactive. Recognize when you’re feeling stressed or challenged by a situation, and pause. In my coaching work, we spend a good deal of time uncovering how this feels for my clients, understanding those emotions, and helping them shift to more positive energy.

There are several tools at your disposal to do this — none of which require a fancy app or additional equipment. Simply tuning into your breath and slowing it down is a great way to lengthen your reaction time to avoid saying something in a less-than-favorable way.

Myth #2: Difficult Conversations Are Always a Struggle That Don’t End Positively

Our beliefs shape our realities. Research conducted by Japanese scientists shows how people’s beliefs about irritants can create real physiological responses, even when the irritant doesn’t exist. In fact, mindset can even help reverse aging in elderly men. (This research was compiled in The Happiness Advantage by Shawn Achor.)

What does this mean for us when we have to have a conversation we believe will be difficult?

Thinking it will be hard will make it hard. The more negatives you focus on, the bigger those negatives become. And these are self-fulfilling prophecies. The good news? Positive beliefs are also self-fulfilling.

So, how do we flip to a more helpful and positive mindset without feeling like we’re lying to ourselves? Start by acknowledging that the negative beliefs we hold are actively keeping us from creating the outcomes we want. Secondly, describe the experience differently. Instead of calling them “difficult conversations,” call them “corrective” or “interventional” conversations. This reframing helps remind us of the conversation’s purpose: to create a positive outcome.

Finally, it just takes a little planning and a solid framework to use as a guide. Keep reading to learn more.

Myth #3: The Conversation Starts When Someone Begins Talking

It’s easy to think that the conversation begins when the other person starts talking, but the reality is — it begins the moment we start thinking about having it.

Based on our emotions and beliefs about the person or the situation, we either start thinking about how the conversation will unfold, or we focus on how we got into this mess in the first place. Without realizing it, we get caught in a web of anxiety, frustration, and avoidance.

Our beliefs directly impact the outcome of the conversation. Think of it like cooking. You need the right ingredients to create the dish you want. If you decide what to say while frustrated, you’ll likely get an outcome that breeds more frustration.

Before the conversation, spend time thinking about it from a positive and curious mindset. Focus on collaboration, not confrontation. Also, consider timing and priming.

The Timing

You’re less likely to have a productive conversation if you’re rushed, hungry, or tired. Your body and mind have limited capacity, so when an issue is raised, you’re not able to handle it as well as you could when you’re rested, fed, and not under time pressure.

The Priming

Our brains thrive on patterns. So when we spring difficult conversations on someone without any warning, they can feel caught off guard. This often leads to defensiveness, rather than openness.

Give a heads-up — preferably in person or via a direct call (not over email). Ensure the other person has time to mentally prepare for the conversation. Use phrases like:

• • “Hey, I have something I need clarity on. Can we talk at X time?

• • “I need your help with something — can we meet at X time?”

• • “I think there’s been a miscommunication about X. Can we clear it up at X time?”

Myth #4: Interventions Have to Take a Lot of Time and Energy

Most people feel this way because they spend a lot of time worrying about the conversation. This worry often makes the issue feel bigger and more draining than it really is.

Second, many people fail to consider the timing and priming and bring a negative mindset to the conversation. Remember, if you start with frustration, you’re more likely to get the same in return. Negative energy is contagious.

A lot of people also struggle because they lack clarity about the issue or don’t know how to articulate it. This is where a framework can help. With a solid structure in place, conversations take less time and are more productive. One of my favorite frameworks for how to have difficult conversations is the iFONE model, developed by Dr. Geoffrey Tumlin.

The iFONES Framework: A Tool for How to Have Difficult Conversations

One of my favorite frameworks for corrective/interventional conversations was developed by Dr. Geoffrey Tumlin, author of Stop Talking, Start Communicating. I’ve adapted it slightly in my coaching practice to help leaders bring even more clarity and connection into these moments.

It’s called the iFONE framework, in which I added the “S”, making it the iFONES framework, and it helps you communicate with empathy, clarity, and purpose — without spiraling into blame or discomfort.

Here’s how it works:

i — Issue

State the issue at hand as neutrally and factually as possible. Keep emotion out of it. Focus on observable behavior or events.

Examples:

• • “You’ve been late five times this week.”

• • “Your colleagues felt that you were very aggressive at the last team meeting.”

• • “Last week, you didn’t complete ABC.”

F — Feeling

Share how this affects you or others, or why it’s concerning. Be honest and direct but stay composed and professional.

Examples:

• • “This is concerning for me because it impacts our team’s ability to meet deadlines.”

• • “I felt frustrated because I was depending on your part of the project to move forward.”

• • “The team felt disrespected, and that affects morale.”

O — Ownership

Own any part you may have played — or acknowledge what could’ve contributed to the situation. This builds psychological safety and shows maturity.

Examples:

• • “Maybe I didn’t clarify the deadline or expectations well enough.”

• • “I should have brought this up sooner, and I didn’t get a chance last week.”

• • “I might not have communicated how important this part was for the bigger picture.”

N — Need

State what needs to change, by when, and why. This is about co-creating a solution and realigning toward shared goals.

Examples:

• • “We need to find a way to make sure this doesn’t continue, especially with our client meeting next week.”

• • “What I’d love to see going forward is clearer communication and follow-through on timelines.”

• • “We need to reset the expectation and get aligned before this goes further.”

E — Explanation

Now, give the other person space to respond. Listen openly and without interruption. You’ve shared your perspective — now it’s their turn.

Examples:

• • “What do you think about that?”

• • “How does that land with you?”

• • “What’s your perspective on what happened?”

 Tip: Ideally, your “i-F-O-N” portion should take 90 seconds or less, leaving space for them to speak during the “E” portion. This prevents the conversation from becoming a monologue or lecture.

S — Support (the Coaching Bonus!)

Once you’ve reached a solution, support the other person in solidifying it with intention. Ask powerful questions like:

• • “What do you like about the solution we came to?”

• • “What support or resources do you need from me or the team?”

• • “What’s not fully clear about this?”

• • “What might get in your way, and how will you handle that?”

• • “How do you want to hold yourself accountable?”

By adding the “S,” you empower the person to take ownership of their own growth and success. You also reinforce partnership instead of power dynamics.

This framework works in a variety of situations. I’ve used it with clients, teams, and even family members. It helps you remain clear, constructive, and compassionate while handling tough situations.

So, next time you need to figure out how to have difficult conversations, don’t avoid them — use these tools to navigate them with confidence and ease.

If you’re ready to break from limiting patterns and start living and leading with confidence, head over to www.drseemadesai.com/eli and learn about how the Energy Leadership Index Assessment can help.

About the Author

Dr. Seema Desai is a former dentist turned success coach based in Austin, Texas. She helps high-achieving leaders move beyond external accomplishments to find deep, lasting fulfillment. After building a picture-perfect life that felt anything but perfect on the inside, Seema discovered the power of redefining success on her own terms. Today, she empowers others to break free from limiting beliefs and create a life rooted in inner peace, purpose, and authentic joy.

Ready to reconnect with your purpose and feel truly successful from the inside out? Connect with Dr. Seema Desai, or any of our other certified coaches on Coach Link Up to start your journey.